A few random photos

This baby squirrel was our pet for about 24 hours. We saw her playing on our driveway and she came right up to us and let us hold her. We named her Sadie the squirrel. I researched a little about how to take care of baby squirrels and all the research said the best thing we could do for her is to help her find her mama. So we kept her one night, fed her pedialyte from a medicine syringe and soft grapes, which was so cute. She was thirsty! The next morning we set her on a towel on a flat place in a tree and let her call for her mama. She did call and eventually her mama came. She was the sweetest thing and we still think we see Sadie every time a squirrel walks by our driveway.

One of these things is not like the others...

 

We took the kids to the Aggie softball game a few weekends ago. Since Avery & Tatum are playing again this spring, they really enjoyed watching the college girls play. They are both fascinated with how to bunt. They were having so much fun, it turned silly pretty quick.

This was right before Laney's spring preschool program. She mostly stared at the other kids during the program, but she did sing a few songs and she sure did look cute!

Here is our annual Easter picture, we were all so hungry and ready to eat lunch, but I wanted to get a photo first or else there would be pizza sauce all over the younger two. So they were working hard to smile big and get it right the first time. Hence the huge cheesy grins.

 

We did see some beautiful bluebonnets on our way out to College Station a few weeks ago. More bluebonnet photos to come...

Driving Anxiety

I have no cute stories or pictures today... just some thoughts on my driving anxiety.

It first hit me when I was pregnant with Bodie. I was driving down 290 and all the sudden I felt PANIC... my heart was pounding, I felt light-headed and I could hardly breathe. I thought I would go unconscious and drive off the highway and die. Since I was pregnant at the time, I told my doctor about this experience and he sent me to see a cardiologist. The cardiologist made me wear a heart monitor for 24 hours to see if he could record one of these heart pounding panic attacks. I didn't know at the time it was related to driving... that thought never crossed my mind, or else I would have driven down the highway with the heart monitor on and I'm sure it would've happened again. Anyway, nothing happened so I got a clean bill of heart health and was left to wonder what was wrong with me.

It didn't happen again for several months. Then it happened again as I was pulling out of our neighborhood onto a fast, busy road. The same panic... can't breathe, heart pounding, light-headed, eyes blurry and feeling like i'm going to pass out. I panicked and pulled off into another neighborhood where I could drive really slow. I weaved my way back home and gave up on running any errands until Brian could drive me. When I got home, I googled "panic attack while driving" and the results assured me this was what I had. I tried some of the suggestions given, such as counting backwards from a very high number, so that your mind is busy and can't be afraid. So I would count out loud while driving "796, 795, 794, 793" etc. You can imagine how strange my kids thought I was.

Anyway, the panic attacks started happening almost every time I was on a highway or going faster than 35 mph. I would have to pull over and try to reason with myself... "I know how to drive. I have been doing this since I was fifteen. What is wrong with me?" I started saying No to things I knew I couldn't drive to. Some trips took me twice as long as they should have because I would stay on the access roads the whole way. My sweet Brian went out of his way to be available to drive if we needed to go somewhere that involved the highway.

I started to sense it was a spiritual thing, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why I was being attacked in this way. How strange to be afraid to drive.

I asked God why and prayed for Him to help me get over this fear. He reminded me of when Paul asked God three times to remove the thorn in his flesh, and each time God said, "My grace is sufficient for you. For My power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9) So maybe this is my thorn. It is humbling to have such a weakness.

I am not writing this from a place of victory. I am writing this from a place of struggle. However, I do know the truth. I have learned that much of my anxiety (not just driving, but with any fear I have) is because I AM TOO IMPORTANT TO MYSELF. That is the sickness I suffer from.

Tonight as I drove down 290 (because being at Beth Moore was worth it), I prayed again. Instead of fearfully begging God, "please keep me safe. please help me not to pass out." I prayed, "God I know I'm important to You, but help me not be so important to myself." My shoulders relaxed and I felt His pleasure. It still wasn't easy driving down the highway, but the struggle was manageable because I knew the truth.

"Hallelujah, we are free to struggle. We're not struggling to be free. Your blood bought and makes us children. Children, drop your chains and sing." Tenth Avenue North - the struggle

Laney's 4th Birthday

Tomorrow is the actual day, but we've been celebrating all week. We started with her very first haircut.

 She loves her new cut. We loved her beautiful long hair, but were ready for a change. We are enjoying how easy it is to wash and brush, and I'm having fun doing lots of cute short hair hairstyles with her. Like cute pigtails!

We met our friend Hallie at the park and had cupcakes with her, since she was going away the night of Laney's party.

 Laney really wanted a slumber party for her 4th birthday. It just so happened our church was having a preschool fun night the same night as her party, so we loaded up our crew as well as cousin Tara and friends Rylin & Selah and had a blast dancing and eating French fries with the GiGl team at church.

Then we came home and had a tea party, cupcakes, dress ups, karaoke, and watched movies. I was amazed only one fell asleep watching movies. The rest stayed up until 12:45AM, when I finally decided it was time to get into beds.

 To add to the excitement of the evening, Tatum lost her 4th tooth!

 This morning, we played more dress ups & painted nails. The big girls orchestrated a re-enactment of Cinderella. Then we got dressed and played on the driveway.

 This new trike was Laney's birthday present from us. She also got a new Cinderella that lights up, an Abby Cadabra tea set,, a princess memory game, and Tinkerbell movie.

We love you, sweet Laney!

Can't think of a good title

I haven't known what to say or how to say it for awhile, but I'm going to go ahead and try anyway.

We are doing really well now. If you would've told me a couple months ago that I would be where I am now, I wouldn't believe it. Sometimes God leads us slow step by slow step through seasons of life. Then apparently sometimes God decides to take us on a few flying leaps to get to our next season.

Life was humming along as usual all summer. We found out we were expecting our fifth child. We felt super excited, along with a healthy amount of concern for our finances, homeschooling, room arrangement, etc. But we knew God had blessed us with a new life and He would take care of the details. 

It's hard to know how to sum it all up. I could write pages about that last week of August and all the painful memories, but I wouldn't know where to start or how to end. At my 14 week checkup, we found out our baby's heart wasn't beating anymore. As we explained it to the kids - Jesus decided to take our baby to Heaven.

We didn't get to find out if it was a boy or a girl. We both had a hunch it was a girl so we named her Grace. We figured when we get to Heaven, if find out he was a boy, we'll change it to Grayson. I believe with all my heart that our child is sitting with Jesus, getting lots of attention from great-grandparents and eagerly waiting to meet us. It makes me think of Heaven even more as my home, knowing my precious child is already there. 

A friend reminded me of this - our ultimate goal as parents is for our kids to spend eternity in Heaven. Although I would give anything to still be pregnant and get to have our baby here, we've attained the ultimate goal for this child and that is awesome.
 
As I struggled to try to get back to normal, I prayed Psalm 139:23-24 ... Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts. And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.

I feel like God has been so merciful to gently open my eyes to things I have been blind to my whole life. He has changed my thinking and healed hurt I have held onto for decades. All in the past couple months. I don't think I would've been open to hear all He has had to say if I hadn't felt so needy. I can see that He used our miscarriage to humble me and prepare me to move ahead with Him.

These are some of the things God has used in my life the past couple months.
1. "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo
2. "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers
3. Steven Curtis Chapman's words & songs at a conference at our church - "When love takes you in"
4. Matthew West concert
5. Matthew West CD
6. "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman
7. "What's it Like to be Married to Me? by Linda Dillow
8. My friend Kelli
9. My mom & dad
10. My Bible


To anyone else's eyes it looks like a random assortment of topics - Heaven, prostitution, adoption, forgiveness, mercy, letting go, marriage issues , etc. But to God it wasn't random. He brought each of those truths into my heart to set my feet upon a rock.  I probably don't need to go into details in how He opened my eyes in each of those areas, but I do think it's neat how He has answered my prayers about organization.

I read in James 3 one morning recently that "disorder" is listed among "every evil thing." (v. 16) For some reason, that stuck out to me. God is organized. He made the world function with consistency and everything He does is at the right time. So surely He would want to help me bring all the loose ends of my busy life together in a manageable, consistent, organized way.

I wrote these specific things down in my journal, asking for God to help me know how to bring order to these places. 

1. Cleaning house/chores
2. Exercise
3. Keeping in touch with family/friends
4. Menu planning
5. Grocery shopping
6. Our school schedule (getting Avery to practice piano, MATH!, activities for Laney & Bo, group time, etc.)
7. Practicing Awana verses with kids
8. Getting rid of things we don't need
9. Internet time/blogging

It's not that I don't do these things. It's just that these are the things that I do randomly or last minute when the need becomes desperate. I long for an organized way of doing these things, but I just didn't see where those things fit on my busy life's calendar. I needed divine inspiration.

Over the past two weeks, I have been stunned as God has pointed me to a specific slot of time in our routine that I can comfortably fit these in on a regular basis. Well 7 of the 9. I'll keep listening for those last two. God cares so much.

So we started 2nd grade and Kindergarten this year with Avery & Tatum. Homeschooling is truly a treasure I had never planned to find, but I am so thankful the Lord let me stumble upon it and open it up! Avery is studying US History & Geography, Math, Spelling, Reading, Handwriting, Grammar, Bible and Art. Tatum is working through Phonics & Reading, Handwriting, Math, Art and listening to History with Avery. All 3 of the girls are in Awana, so we use that as part of our Bible curriculum.We are just starting Astronomy as our science for the year.

Tatum is almost done with her Kindergarten requirements. I'm pretty sure I'll have to order 1st grade for Christmas! The girl LOVES math. When she finishes her assignment, she asks if she can do more math! She learned to write letters very early and she continues to enjoy writing tasks. Reading is a struggle right now. I can tell it wears her out more than any of her other subjects. But she is doing great and is half way through level one of All About Reading!

Avery's reading skills have taken off this year. She amazes me with her ability to decode words. She loves to draw and create. She can draw things at the age of 7 that I cannot draw at the age of 34. I love to watch her creative little mind work. Her main struggle is with writing. I've been researching nonverbal learning disabilities and am finding that many of the modifications suggested for kids with NLD are working tremendously well with Avery. It is such a blessing to be able to give my sweet girl the education she needs and to watch her thrive.

Avery & Tatum are playing softball on a little 8U team. Brian and I are having so much fun playing with them and watching their skills improve. We keep saying to each other, "This is really fun!" We are truly sad the season is almost over, but hopeful there will be more seasons to come.

Laney is going to preschool a couple days a week. Many of her little friends from church are also in her preschool class and her Awana Cubbies group, so it's been fun for her to see the same faces several days of the week. She is a great helper with Bodie in the mornings. She plays with him in the gameroom or outside while the big girls are doing school. Sometimes they watch Sesame Street together. Bodie calls her "sissy." She likes to come inside and "do school" with us sometimes. She still sticks to me like glue.

Bodie goes to preschool one day a week and spends one morning a week with Gigi. That way the big girls and I have a quiet house two mornings a week. He is sweaty and rough and so stinkin' sweet I could gobble him up. His favorite word is still "ball." His favorite toy is a ball. When we practice softball in the backyard, he will spend an hour hitting softballs off the tee with a real bat. No plastic bats here. He wants the real bat and the real bright yellow softballs. He is big and strong, which is proving to be difficult as he is entering the terrible 2's.

Here's some photos from our past few months...

 All the cousins at a pumpkin patch - Avery, Tara, Laney, Bodie, Tatum, Matthew & Isabella 

(Isabella is my sister-in-law's little sister)

Tatum lost her 3rd tooth! She pulled it all by herself!

We had a fall festival at church a couple days ago. Here's Superman and...

the three princesses... Cinderella, a Southern Belle, and Sleeping Beauty!

Here's our softball girls

Laney was invited to a birthday part at the Pink Pokka Dot, a boutique where they do your hair, nails and makeup as part of the party. They also have a closet full of princess dress-ups you can change in and out of as often as you like. Here's my little Cinderella after her makeover. 

 Then she changed into the Belle dress...

We went to the Oil Ranch with our home school group at church. It was a Monday and there was no one there! It was so nice to have the whole place to ourselves. 

 My friend Justina, took these great pics of the kids

 I just found these pics from the 4th of July parade in our neighborhood.

And here's a picture I just found from March. My sister-in-law took this at my Paw Paw's 90th birthday party. As we get older, my brothers & I rarely have pictures taken together, so I treasure this one of the three of us together with  Paw Paw. This is my oldest brother Matthew, PawPaw, my middle brother Martin and me!

Family Vacation to Utopia

We just got back from a great week in the beautiful hill country near Utopia TX. We did a lot of relaxing, reading, swimming, fishing and eating! We saw a lot of wildlife (a tarantula, water snake, bats and giant grasshoppers in one day), as well as beautiful birds, deer and rabbits. I especially loved getting to spend time with my parents every day. We haven't gotten to do that in a long time. We ate every meal together, played games, read books, cooked meals and just talked together and it was just what I needed. Since Brian's blog tells the story so well, here's the link and I am going to wrap this up! Thanks Papa & Nana for a wonderful vacation and we look forward to the next time!